waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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