You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
