Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
