does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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