the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
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Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.