I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?