We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.