your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
