Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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