Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
