she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
