i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
