The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
