woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
