we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think i got beer on your cat.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
