You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
