The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Can I color on your dick again?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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