HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
