look no pants
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
