I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
