His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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