Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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