Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
