I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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