you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
