i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
