yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
