he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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