Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
