He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
