Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
