so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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