I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
