All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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