just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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