Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I didn't shave. On purpose
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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