is your mom at the bar?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
