The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
