just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
