Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch