Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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