Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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