I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
