we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
