She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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