The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
