we have pet lesbian snakes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
