Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
