It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
