she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
