Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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