Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.