Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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