My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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