it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
