I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
