Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We had to coat check the pizza.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
