Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
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Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
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I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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